Friday, August 20, 2010

Binky's Notes 1: Wrong expectations (NSFW!)

I read this review of one of my favourite restaurants and it annoyed me so much, I wanted to say something about it. But because I want this blog to be what is now known as 'family-friendly' but used to be referred to as 'polite', I can't talk about this review in a manner appropriate to the blog. My evil twin, Binky, can, however. This is the first in an irregular series of Binky Notes, in which he will bring his unique verbal style and perspective to the problem of Food Mistakes. I should point out that Binky's Notes are not suitable for reading at work, or for the under-18s. Take it away, Binky.

We'll be returning to the wuss and his mealy-mouthed banalities in just a moment, but first it's time to say something about Robert et Louise. This is a small restaurant in the Marais district of Paris that specialises in what you might call meat & potatoes. In fact I will call it that, because that's basically all they serve. The house speciality is coté de boeuf, which is a single monster rib of beef grilled over charcoal and served with fried potatoes and salad; one of these motherfuckers will feed two people easily, and they do a three-person one just in case. I have never had such a simple and satisfying bistro meal in my life. These guys know how to cook a steak, and unless you're going for the boudin noir (which is similarly excellent), just don't fucking bother to go to Robert et Louise, because they've probably been serving this stuff for about fifty years and aren't about to change now.

Which brings me to this anonymous Belgian tourist who's been posting so-called 'reviews' of the place on the internet lately. This person, who goes by various names although it's clearly the same ignorant fuck in both French and English, is living proof that the customer is not always right, as I will demonstrate using simple logic. Here is 'MarilenaR4236''s English-language review:

"My biggest problem - beyond the bad food and service - is that this is the absolute tourist trap but pretends not to be one. The meat they throw on the grill is absolutely tasteless which makes me think that they don’t prepare it in any way before 'cooking' it. When it came at our table it was already cold and served with a salad and potatoes that lack any kind of imagination. A big no to this restaurant!"

I don't know what this skank's problem with the service was, but I can only assume that the customer had a bad attitude, because I've seen the R et L waiters deal with drunk students and pompous Welsh conference attendees with equal charm; perhaps Marilena was just too fucking Belgian to be tolerated. Next, how does she know that the meat is tasteless when it's thrown on the grill? Did she sneak into the walk-in fridge and lick it? Next thing: any cook dealing with a steak knows that it has to sit for a few minutes after it comes off the heat, or else it'll collapse, leak all its juice and dry up the minute you cut into it. (This goes for any piece of grilled meat, btw - anybody who insists that a steak be served piping hot from the grill needs to see a specialist about that talking-through-the-arsehole problem.)

My biggest problem - beyond the fucking ignorance and bad manners - is that this reviewer is complaining that a restaurant didn't offer something that it isn't trying to offer. You don't go to a place like Robert et Louise to sample freeze-dried mushroom juice with parmesan breath. It is not about reinventing things. It is about carrying on a tradition. That takes humility and dedication. If every restaurant were like this it would be boring, but if every restaurant were like the Fat Duck, or that Spanish guy's place I forget the name of, where you can't get a reservation until 5 billion years from now by which time the sun will be in its red giant phase and as a result bruléeing your créme spontaneously - if most places were like that, it would be unbearable. Most places need to be more like Robert et Louise, doing simple food exceptionally well, but cooks tend to be like writers, having more ambition and more half-baked ideas than their talents are able to control. Never again will I put up with being expected to consume a shotglass of something that looks like it was extracted from a wolfhound by means of manual stimulation of the prostate.

So, Marilena, take your pretentious obsession with innovation and park it somewhere that gives a shit, because you went into the wrong place - as you would have realised if you'd bothered to do even minimal research. But never mind, there's justice in the world. You may be a twat, but at least you have the misfortune to live in Belgium.

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